I appeared on the Mascot Wedding Podcast. Those guys are fun. Listen up! LINK IS HERE
While you wait for new sketches, here is a video of my performance at the TED Talks-inspired TiT Talks at the Institution Theater. It’s a lot like TED talks except the presenter must present without knowing what slides will be shown behind him/her/it. I go first, but they are all good.
You can be assured that if I haven’t posted to the site in a while, I’m doing something for money. Now that you feel better, you should check out the Tastemakers website, which we have painstakingly constructed ahead of our Austin Sketch Fest show.
LIGHTS UP on MEREDITH, sitting in a chair. BRYAN enters. There are a series of signs sitting STAGE RIGHT. These signs will be used to indicate what day it is.
MEREDITH: Hey, how was the doctor?
BRYAN: Fine. He said I’m allergic to dairy.
MEREDITH: Oh, that explains a lot, Farty McMilkFart.
MEREDITH: So you’re gonna quit eating dairy?
BRYAN: Yeah. Shouldn’t be a big deal. No milk? Whatevs. I mean, I can’t even remember the last time I drank milk.
Welp! This’ll do it. Thanks to everyone who looked at one or more of the blackouts, even when they looked like they were pulled directly out of my ass. I’m actually pretty surprised this exercise went as well as it did. I love you all!
LIGHTS UP on BRYAN and ERIC sitting in a lifeboat, drifting in the middle of the ocean. OCEAN SOUNDS play in the background. BRYAN tries to squeeze water out of a canteen, to no avail.
BRYAN: How many days since the ship went down?
BRYAN: You know they may never find us, right?
A long pause.
ERIC: I’m bored.
BRYAN: I’ve got the home version of Name! That! Anal! Infection!
ERIC: …oh, alright.
LIGHTS UP on a GRANDPA, sitting in a chair and opening a large book. GRANDDAUGHTER and GRANDSON sit on the floor in front of him. CHRISTMAS MUSIC plays in the background.
GRANDPA: Alright kids, I think you’re both old enough now that we can start a new Christmas tradition. We’re gonna read The Polar Express every year. It’s about a train that takes you all the way to the North Pole.
GRANDSON: What’s a train?
GRANDDAUGHTER: Oh you know, it’s where at least seven guys all fuck a girl one by one. It has to be at least seven though.
GRANDSON: Oh, okay.
GRANDPA, mouth agape, slowly closes the book. BLACKOUT!!!
DARKNESS. An ANNOUNCER speaks.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): From the creators of the cult classic “Moon” comes a sequel you’ll never forget. Duncan Jones presents: “Sun.”
LIGHTS UP on an ASTRONAUT
ASTRONAUT: I’M BURNING ALIVE!! THE HEAT ON MY BODY FEELS TERRIBLE! IT STINGS SO BAD! IT WAS MORALLY RESPONSIBLE TO SEND ANYONE TO THE SUN! I REALIZE THAT NOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Coming never, because it’s a stupid idea.
LIGHTS up on a MAN watching TELEVISION. We can hear the TELEVISION as he watches it.
TELEVISION (ANNOUNCER V.O.): And now, the HBO original series: “Bloody Detective.”
GUY: I heard this show was good.
TELEVISION (DETECTIVE V.O.): As I hunt for the perpetrators of crime, I remember the words of Heidegger: “Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.“
TELEVISION (DETECTIVE V.O.): Now check out this chick’s tits n’ booty.
GUY: GREATEST SHOW EVER!