Dairy

–DAY 1–

LIGHTS UP on MEREDITH, sitting in a chair. BRYAN enters. There are a series of signs sitting STAGE RIGHT. These signs will be used to indicate what day it is.

MEREDITH: Hey, how was the doctor?

BRYAN: Fine. He said I’m allergic to dairy.

MEREDITH: Oh, that explains a lot, Farty McMilkFart.

BRYAN: Bugh.

MEREDITH: So you’re gonna quit eating dairy?

BRYAN: Yeah. Shouldn’t be a big deal. No milk? Whatevs. I mean, I can’t even remember the last time I drank milk.

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Blackout History Month – Feb. 28th: Lifeboat II

Welp! This’ll do it. Thanks to everyone who looked at one or more of the blackouts, even when they looked like they were pulled directly out of my ass. I’m actually pretty surprised this exercise went as well as it did. I love you all!

-LuBu

LIGHTS UP on BRYAN and ERIC sitting in a lifeboat, drifting in the middle of the ocean. OCEAN SOUNDS play in the background. BRYAN tries to squeeze water out of a canteen, to no avail.

BRYAN: How many days since the ship went down?

ERIC: Two.

BRYAN: You know they may never find us, right?

ERIC: Yeah.

A long pause.

ERIC: I’m bored.

BRYAN: I’ve got the home version of Name! That! Anal! Infection!

ERIC: …oh, alright.

BLACKOUT!!!Lifeboat

Blackout History Month – Feb. 27th: Polar Express 2014

LIGHTS UP on a GRANDPA, sitting in a chair and opening a large book. GRANDDAUGHTER and GRANDSON sit on the floor in front of him. CHRISTMAS MUSIC plays in the background.

GRANDPA: Alright kids, I think you’re both old enough now that we can start a new Christmas tradition. We’re gonna read The Polar Express every year. It’s about a train that takes you all the way to the North Pole.

GRANDSON: What’s a train?

GRANDDAUGHTER: Oh you know, it’s where at least seven guys all fuck a girl one by one. It has to be at least seven though.

GRANDSON: Oh, okay.

GRANDPA, mouth agape, slowly closes the book. BLACKOUT!!!

 grandpa

Blackout History Month – Feb 26th: Sun

DARKNESS. An ANNOUNCER speaks.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): From the creators of the cult classic “Moon” comes a sequel you’ll never forget. Duncan Jones presents: “Sun.”

LIGHTS UP on an ASTRONAUT

ASTRONAUT: I’M BURNING ALIVE!! THE HEAT ON MY BODY FEELS TERRIBLE! IT STINGS SO BAD! IT WAS MORALLY RESPONSIBLE TO SEND ANYONE TO THE SUN! I REALIZE THAT NOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

ANNOUNCER (V.O.): Coming never, because it’s a stupid idea.

BLACKOUT!!!

sun

 

Blackout History Month – Feb 25th: HBO

LIGHTS up on a MAN watching TELEVISION. We can hear the TELEVISION as he watches it.

TELEVISION (ANNOUNCER V.O.): And now, the HBO original series: “Bloody Detective.”

GUY: I heard this show was good.

TELEVISION (DETECTIVE V.O.): As I hunt for the perpetrators of crime, I remember the words of Heidegger: “Every man is born as many men and dies as a single one.

GUY: …What?

TELEVISION (DETECTIVE V.O.): Now check out this chick’s tits n’ booty.

GUY: GREATEST SHOW EVER!

BLACKOUT!!!truedetective

 

 

 

Blackout History Month – Feb. 24th: Homeless

LIGHTS UP on a HOMELESS MAN sitting at the back of the stage, holding a cup. GUY crosses the stage in front of him.

HOMELESS MAN: Hey buddy, can you spare a dollar?

GUY: Sorry man, I really don’t have one to spare right now.

As he speaks, GUY pulls a DOLLAR BILL and a LIGHTER out of his pocket. He sets the DOLLAR BILL on fire and drops it on the ground in front of the HOMELESS MAN. GUY then exits.

HOMELESS MAN: Aw, man. I guess I should get that job now.

BLACKOUT!!!MoneyOnFire

Blackout History Month – Feb. 23rd: The Internet

LIGHTS UP on a MAN sitting at a computer. The computer speaks to him.

COMPUTER (VOICE): Hello, and welcome to the internet. Through the miracle of digital communications technology, we have gained the ability to communicate with each other through our computers, connecting everyone on Earth in a massive information web.

MAN: Wow.

COMPUTER (VOICE): That’s right wow. Now are you ready to porn up your political views and cat videos while blogging to pro-vaccine comments sections? I will eat your children.

MAN: Wait, what?

DEATH METAL immediately plays as a HAND reaches out of the computer screen and begins choking the MAN. BLACKOUT!!!

 internet

Blackout History Month – Feb. 22nd: A History of Attraction

DARKNESS. The ANNOUNCER speaks.

ANNOUNCER: And now…A History of Attraction.

LIGHTS UP on a BARBIE and KEN doll on the middle of the stage.

BARBIE (VOICE): -and that’s when I realized that my dog is a really good kisser.

A BABY CUPID doll, sporting wings and a diaper and a bow, is thrown onstage and smacks into the KEN doll.

KEN (VOICE): Wow, that’s really interesting.

BLACKOUT!!!

 barbieken

Blackout History Month – Feb. 21st: Star Trek

LIGHTS UP on a CAPTAIN’S CHAIR. JEAN-LUC PICARD sits in it.

JEAN-LUC PICARD: Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go-

Suddenly, CLEM and JOE begin talking offstage.

CLEM: Cap’n! Cap’n! I cain’t get the Innerprise started!

JOE: That’s cuz’ ya ain’t ternin the key right!

CLEM: I know how ta tern tha key! Ya jiggle twice then ya whap the end of the key!

JOE: No, gol’ dernit! Ya jiggle twice then ya activate the quannum spec manifold and THEN ya whap the end of tha key! You stupid as hell!

JEAN-LUC PICARD buries his head in his hand. BLACKOUT!!!

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